HAPPY BIRTHDAY THREESOME menage a trois

One warm spring afternoon I arrived at a client's home to tune her piano.  As I parked my car at the curb, a young blonde woman pulled up in a sporty red convertible and parked directly behind me.  As I got out of my car she exited hers.  As I walked up the front walk she walked a few paces behind me. When I arrived at the front door she stood next to me and asked if I were the man of the house.  I explained I was the piano tuner.  She smiled and said, "Are you going to ring the door bell or should I?" I rang.  My client opened the door.  Flustered and red faced she told the young women to head upstairs and explained to me that she had forgotten our appointment and it was her husband's birthday.  He had always fantasized about he and his wife having a threesome with a pretty young blondie.  His wife had arranged the menage a trois as his birthday present.  I offered to come back another time to tune the piano but my client brushed the idea off by saying, "You'll be downstairs and we'll be upstairs.  I'll pay you now and you can just let yourself out."  The three were fairly noisy so it was a very erotic piano tuning.  When I got home that evening I told my wife about the incident.  I prefaced with, "Honey, what were you thinking about for my birthday?"

THE AMERICAN DREAM

IF you are not from the Northeast Corridor, you may not recognize the gentleman pictured to the right. He was legendary Philadelphia radio talk show host, Irv Homer. At age 21 he was piloting B-17s for the Army Air Force and flew 15 bombing missions out of Italy. After the war, Irv held a number of jobs such as painting, wallpapering, and bar tending. He eventually owned two taverns, from which, he started calling into radio talk shows. He was a thoughtful and provocative caller. By the 1960's he was hired by a number of stations in the Philadelphia market as a talk show host. THE IRV HOMER SHOW became so popular that, by the mid 1970's, he joined powerhouse WWDB-FM radio, and later, also became a regular panelist on ABC's inside story on WPVI-TV. Somewhere along the way Irving Homer picked up the moniker, "Evil Irving." This was due to the fact that he was a truth telling iconoclast who called things as he saw them, political correctness be damned! His straight to the point manner probably kept his show from being Nationally syndicated. In reality Irving was far from being "evil" and gave selflessly to many causes and charities. In the mid 1980"s he died of a heart attack during an appearance at a local college. I had the pleasure of being on his program a number of times and working with him on some civic projects. Irv's success is a textbook example of "The American Dream." It is ironic, that in later life, Irv often said, "The American Dream works for everyone but Americans!"

IRV defined Americans as white Anglo-Saxons who believe in an "I got mine, you get yours" philosophy. Who live above their means via credit cards. Who worship sports and leisure activities. "The Romans knew it, give them bread and circuses," Irv would shout into his microphone. He often waxed eloquently on how other cultures in America focus on family unity. How they work endless hours at multiple low paying jobs to achieve a better life for their children. How they do without to buy the best education. How they help one another start their own business. I have seen many examples of what Irv was talking among my piano tuning clients. Following are a few:

A Korean doctor, I tune for, works for free at a cousin's produce store several nights a week, to save his cousin labor costs until the new business takes hold. Few patrons know a general surgeon is trimming their produce.

I had tuned the piano for a Chinese girl since she was five. In her senior year of high school she asked me my opinion of some colleges she was considering attending as a classical music major. I told her it was extremely difficult to make it as a concert pianist, especially for a female. I recommended making music her minor and majoring in something she could actually make a living at. She explained that she had no need to earn money. Her entire family, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, had chipped in for a trust fund that would support her modestly for many years to come. She could afford to play mostly benefits. Any monies she might sometimes earn would be extra. "Why would they do such a thing," I asked? She replied, "Just for the bragging rights of having a concert pianist in the family."

A couple from India who lived in the back room of their donut shop made sure their young children had piano lessons and a well tuned piano to practice on. They lived in the back of the store for years, until they expanded their business to three locations. Later, they bought a mansion in one of the premier communities in my area. The house is expensively furnished. Several luxury cars grace the circular driveway. I now tune their Steinway grand.

I work mostly at night since few people will take a day off from work to have a piano tuned. In most homes, that are not Anglo-Saxon, I usually find the entire family gathered around the dining room table doing school work. Older kids help the younger. Dad and mom aid and encourage all. Usually all the children take music lessons. TV, video games, and sports activities are minimal.
Dad does not come home from work and crash on the sofa. Children do not hide out in their rooms. Everyone eats dinner together. Evil Irving would contend that these families are living the real American Dream.

THEY JUST CALL ME RAY

I met Ray Charles on three occasions. Twice I tuned pianos for his concerts, and once a family friend, who is a private pilot, flew him to an engagement and invited me along for the ride. I almost wished I had stayed home when Ray, despite the fact that he was blind, asked if he could fly the plane for a bit and my friend let him take the controls! My most vivid memory of Ray Charles, however, involves a showdown with a famous maestro, who, due largely to modesty, asked me not to mention him by name. The maestro was to conduct a large orchestra that was performing a tribute to Ray's music and Ray was appearing as the featured soloist. On some songs both Ray, and the maestro, would be playing two Steinway pianos in duets. I tuned both instruments. When I was finished the maestro and Ray sat down at their respective pianos to make certain they were satisfied with the harmony of the two Steinways together. Ray broke away form the regular score and played a sassy jazz riff. Acknowledging Ray's "challenge" the maestro played the same riff just as well and added a bit more to it. Ray responded by matching the maestro's performance and added yet more, upping the ante. What Ray didn't know, or, may have forgotten, is that prior to becoming an orchestra conductor, the maestro had a whole other career as a jazz pianist and had won many honors including DOWNBEAT MAGAZINE'S annual jazz poll and the famed Newport Jazz Festival. In fact he had won both several times! So it was that when Ray sent forth his next challenge from the keyboard the maestro, who had grown tired of the game, cut loose with an astonishing full keyboard multi arpeggio that contained elements of jazz, classical, blues, and whatever else flew out of his fingers at lightning speed. Ray just threw both his hands up in the air in surrender and shook his head. Ray's good natured comment was, "I guess that's why the call him maestro, and they just call me Ray."